I’ve recently come to the realisation that focus on sex in relationships is stupid.

We create constant inadequacy by telling couples how much they should be having sex, for how long and how exciting it should be.

All things that make no sense actually.

I suppose this is how magazines get sold – by creating insecurity and enough shame that no one can openly talk about it.

I’ve been in a relationships for 8 years in which some of the time we were in an open relationship.

Sex was important in the early days to establish connection. I completely disagree with women who continue in relationships where the sex is bad. To me it’s a time bomb on the relationship that always means someone is dissatisfied.

So let’s say sex is good in a new relationship but after some time, the intimacy changes in a profound way,

We no longer want to dedicate time romping all day because we have responsibilities. We dedicate that time to building a life, falling in love, cohabitation and being a team.

The steps we took to create intimacy in the relationship is very different to the intimacy we continue to create as the relationship continues.

Many people see that change in intimacy as a bad thing.

After all, we all reminisce on the early days as the relationship was starting – the butterflies, the excitement, the talking all night and making love all day. The good times of ‘i can’t stop thinking about you and smiling’ seems perfect as a memory and will always be when all we see are the best of each other.

But as the intimacy you find later on the relationship grows, you become teammates, sometimes even become an amalgamation of one another – there’s been fights, annoyances, laughter, stupidity and everything in between – life has literally happened.

And with this kind of intimacy comes trust, stability and friendship. All things we can literally build a life upon.

So why are we constantly told that the ‘new relationship’ intimacy is where it’s at and we should try everything we can to get back there.

Otherwise there’s something wrong with our relationship.

I call bulls#%t on that.

  • Why does it matter if we go a some time without sex if we’re just as happy hanging out and having fun together?
  • Why should I feel shit if I want to focus on building a business and just not feeling it right now?
  • Why should I feel obligated to f#%k out of ‘duty’ or whatever?
  • Why has sex become a responsibility as opposed as what two people do when they want to?

I just don’t get it.

Sex is great but is it something we have to work so hard towards?

Isn’t sex just one aspect of intimacy?

And Isn’t intimacy the real goal?

I’m tired of wondering whether there’s something wrong with my relationship if I don’t screw my partner every couple of days or whatever ‘rule’ is new at the time.

We share so much love, care and affection. Sometimes sex is a part of that. Sometimes it isn’t.

And I’m okay with that.

After all, shouldn’t the whole sex thing be free of pressure or expectations anyway? Otherwise how is it adding to the relationship? Wouldn’t we just get hookers if all we wanted was to just ‘get off’?

Who gives a crap what other people think is best.

I’ll have sex when I want to have sex – no more, no less.

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