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Daily dose of Dee

How important is sex in a relationship?

I’ve recently come to the realisation that focus on sex in relationships is stupid.

We create constant inadequacy by telling couples how much they should be having sex, for how long and how exciting it should be.

All things that make no sense actually.

I suppose this is how magazines get sold – by creating insecurity and enough shame that no one can openly talk about it.

I’ve been in a relationships for 8 years in which some of the time we were in an open relationship.

Sex was important in the early days to establish connection. I completely disagree with women who continue in relationships where the sex is bad. To me it’s a time bomb on the relationship that always means someone is dissatisfied.

So let’s say sex is good in a new relationship but after some time, the intimacy changes in a profound way,

We no longer want to dedicate time romping all day because we have responsibilities. We dedicate that time to building a life, falling in love, cohabitation and being a team.

The steps we took to create intimacy in the relationship is very different to the intimacy we continue to create as the relationship continues.

Many people see that change in intimacy as a bad thing.

After all, we all reminisce on the early days as the relationship was starting – the butterflies, the excitement, the talking all night and making love all day. The good times of ‘i can’t stop thinking about you and smiling’ seems perfect as a memory and will always be when all we see are the best of each other.

But as the intimacy you find later on the relationship grows, you become teammates, sometimes even become an amalgamation of one another – there’s been fights, annoyances, laughter, stupidity and everything in between – life has literally happened.

And with this kind of intimacy comes trust, stability and friendship. All things we can literally build a life upon.

So why are we constantly told that the ‘new relationship’ intimacy is where it’s at and we should try everything we can to get back there.

Otherwise there’s something wrong with our relationship.

I call bulls#%t on that.

  • Why does it matter if we go a some time without sex if we’re just as happy hanging out and having fun together?
  • Why should I feel shit if I want to focus on building a business and just not feeling it right now?
  • Why should I feel obligated to f#%k out of ‘duty’ or whatever?
  • Why has sex become a responsibility as opposed as what two people do when they want to?

I just don’t get it.

Sex is great but is it something we have to work so hard towards?

Isn’t sex just one aspect of intimacy?

And Isn’t intimacy the real goal?

I’m tired of wondering whether there’s something wrong with my relationship if I don’t screw my partner every couple of days or whatever ‘rule’ is new at the time.

We share so much love, care and affection. Sometimes sex is a part of that. Sometimes it isn’t.

And I’m okay with that.

After all, shouldn’t the whole sex thing be free of pressure or expectations anyway? Otherwise how is it adding to the relationship? Wouldn’t we just get hookers if all we wanted was to just ‘get off’?

Who gives a crap what other people think is best.

I’ll have sex when I want to have sex – no more, no less.

Patience is a virtue because it will make you rich

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt recently is the value of patience.

Especially with business.

  • My first product business idea failed because I didn’t want to save up money to buy tooling for manufacturing.
  • My second business sky-rocketed and made great profits within 3 months. But it never got much bigger after that and I lost interest.
  • My third online directory business cost a lot of money and failed because I lost interest.
  • I wrote a book in 19 days that won bronze medal in a UK book prize but never went anywhere because I worked so hard developing it that I had no bandwidth left for marketing.
  • I started an event business that made amazing profits straight away. I quit after a few months and hated every second of it.

After all this I became emotionally exhausted.

I needed some time off.

I took 7 months off to find myself and realised how bloody impatient I really am.

I created a tendency to get super excited about a new business idea, work super hard and do well for the first few months. Then I’d get burnt out and couldn’t bring myself to get anything done after that.

Then I’d move onto the idea and the cycle continued.

I was frustrated.

I’ve made money in the short-term but never found the kind of long-term success I was really looking forward to.

I always made plans for the next 3 months but never wanted to commit to my future. Everything I tried was great for the first few months, then it got hard and I walked away.

  • I needed to learn about patience.
  • I needed to learn to make plans for the next few years, not months.
  • I needed to be doing something I could enjoy doing in my future.
  • I needed to create something that would grow with me as I change.

Enter this blog.

I’ve been working on this blog for nearly a year and I’m amazed that I’m still loving it. I can see myself doing this for years to come. And I make no claims to be an expert on anything so there’s always room for me to talk about whatever I want.

I want this blog to grow with me through whatever my next business ventures are.

I want to do it properly and give my audience something to think about.

I want it to be about the topics I care about, not about making money.

And all of this takes patience.

And in the 5 months this blog has been live, the metrics speak for itself. The blog has grown organically to nearly 5K visitors a month. That pretty impressive for a new blog.

Once I start monetising, the money will definitely come.

I’ll be honest, patience is hard.

I want to make money now and work my butt off getting everything done.

But I know I’ll burn out.

Patience means:

  • Waiting for long-term gain instead of get rich quick returns
  • Doing things properly instead of cutting corners to meet deadlines that will hurt you in the long run
  • Delaying gratification today for bigger gratification in the future.

All things I’ve never been good at before.

It’s hard not to get carried away. But one thing at a time, I remind myself.

I have to enjoy this or I’ll have to start all over again.

And I desperately don’t want that.

Should Men Still Pay For Dates?

I’ve realised the whole issue isn’t as complicated as we make it out to be.

I used to be someone who was very 50:50 on dates because as an independent woman, of course that’s what should happen.

If I couldn’t afford a date, I wouldn’t go. I was repulsed at the idea that a guy would pay for me and then I’d be obligated to ‘covert contracts’ I never agreed to like:

I have to hang out with him again
Or I should kiss/sleep/other with him
Or I have to spend one more minute than I want to

Ew. seriously.

But this created some problems:

  1. Stress around billing time – “I insist”, “No, I insist”. Ard Nauseum.
  2. Awkwardness afterwards.
  3. He never got to feel chivalrous. Or generous. Or showcase that he could take care of me.
  4. I never got to feel take care of. Or feminine.

So here’s the solution I came up with:

Women:

  • Always go on a date ready to pay (even if he says ‘my treat’ or ‘my shout’).
  • If you can’t afford the date, try to go somewhere cheaper.
  • At the end of the date, always offer to pay without resentment or issue.
  • If he insists, allow it. Feel great about it.
  • Take note of the expense and insist on paying next time.

I know that there are women that insist on men paying for them. These are not women that want ‘free meals’ generally but women that want to feel like the guy they date is willing to take care of them in that way (like their daddy used to?).

Fair enough, they get to have whatever they want granted that they also make effort to showcase that they’re not there for the free meal.

  • They cook meals
  • Or buy thoughtful gifts
  • Or care for the man emotionally/spiritually/sexually

Both styles are feminist in my opinion if done in this way. Men are generally also aware that they make more money than women so untimate fairness is never about dollar for dollar.

It’s about needs that both parties need to fulfil.

Men:

  • Only pay for dates if you actually want to be generous and show that you can take care of a woman.
  • Do not expect more dates/sexual favours etc in return for the dinner. You will be disappointed.
  • If you don’t want to pay, it’s totally cool. Just say, ‘Do you mind if we split this?’.
  • If you want to pay but she insists on wanting to pay half, allow it. She wants to show you she can take care of herself also.

Be aware if it’s really fair.

Often on dates the man will say something like, “I’ll take care of dinner, you can get the drinks” – or some kind of equal arrangement. This is often a great way to avoid any conversation about the bill which is always awesome.

I’m a huge fan of this except when this happens:

The dinner costs $20 and the drinks cost $50.

This is terrible and I’ve heard many stories where the woman feels scammed and there’s no socially acceptable way to discuss the issue at the time.

This is often a deal breaker because all women want to partner up with someone that has awareness of these things and will take care of her without needing to be told.

a lot of modern women are trying to find equality in dating (with their own needs in mind) and to have men take advantage of them makes us wonder why we try so bloody hard.

This is just the worst.

Probably the same terribleness as a man feels when a woman’s just out for a free meal.

Which brings me to my last points:

  • Pay for your own meal if you have no intention of seeing the other person again.
  • And don’t create an issue if the total amount is super small.

There’s no need to create more resentful behaviour in the dating world.

I’ll Never Get Married (But That’s Not The Whole Story)

When people hear that Damien and I have been together for 8+ years, the first questions they ask are:

“Getting Married Soon?”
“Marriage on the cards?”
“Why aren’t you married?”

My insides get filled with internal eye-rolls and deep disappointment.

But why should it be? Isn’t that a normal question?

Sure it is.

But the whole concept of marriage to me is bewildering.

Maybe it’s because growing up, I never saw a happy marriage I wanted to emulate.

Or maybe because the idea of making a commitment that’s a delusional lie irritates the hell out of me. How can someone in their right mind commit to someone when they have no idea whom they’ll become as they grow older? Or whom their partner will become? Or how circumstance will make them realise they’re not right for each other?

Makes no sense to me…

I know what you’re thinking.

It’s more about the sentiment than the practicality or getting married.

It’s about a show of commitment.

Fair enough but that ‘show’ of commitment can have lasting legal obligations that can screw up your future. If you don’t want to be practical about your future, at least think about not f#&king it up right?

But that’s not the whole story..

It would be great it it was just aboutt me and my thought on marriage but there is another person with thoughts and feeling (dang nammit)

The next thing I get asked often is:

“So your partner also doesn’t want to get married?”

He actually wants to be married but it’s not massively important to him to get married.

After lengthy conversations we’ve had together, what IS important to him that marriage does provide is:

1.Public acknowledgement that we are together (that I’m not trying to hide him)
2.Public acknowledgement of our commitment (that he feels stable and that there’s trust)
3.That we don’t create confusion and trauma for our future children by not getting married (getting bullied in school for having unmarried parents)

Ok, fair enough.

So what we talked about is trying to fulfil these aspects of marriage without signing a legally binding contract that screws us in the long run.

Here has been my response so far:
1.We are publicly in a relationship on Facebook (so that all friends and family know we are together) I’m sure that accounts for a marriage in modern times right?
2.I agreed to potentially be forever engaged as an acknowledgement of our commitment. He gets to put a ring on it. This was a big move for me to make after realising I have made no public acknowledgement of my commitment to this relationship. Damien really appreciated the sentiment but acknowledged we probably won’t because we’d forever be getting questioned about a wedding that’s never going to happen. But if he changes his mind, it’s always there.
3.As for our future children, I assured him that it’s very common to have unmarried parents and if it was really an issue when we have kids, I would certainly look into it.

Don’t get me wrong.

I would definitely get married if there was a practical reason for it. Getting a visa, for example. Damien is a dual citizen so if we needed to, I would get married so I didn’t have to screw around with visas.

And most people respond sarcastically with, ‘Wow, so romantic’.

If marriage enriched my life in a practical way, I would do it.

I’m okay with that. I’m also okay with changing my mind and realising it is something I want.

But i figure if I need marriage to give my relationship commitment and stability, I would suggest this relationships is not working.

And don’t even get me started about the cost of the whole things and the kind of money some people pay.

*sigh*

Too Much Pressure On Myself – Is it Necessary?

Being taught that women can do anything has created pressure to do everything.
  • Running a household and career
  • Being the good cook
  • A good CEO
  • Keeping your man happy
  • Your body fit
It’s exhausting just thinking about it.
Something has to give. And it always does.
I feel like for years all I’ve done is push myself:
  • Went to gym everyday and pushed me to do it
  • Run a half marathon
  • Fasted for a week
  • Vegan for 2 years
  • Push myself to create businesses
  • Spent too much money on the house/car etc

And you would think that all of that stuff would make me happy.

Nope. I was miserable for most of these. I pushed myself too hard because I thought these things NEEDED to happen.

Why did they need to happen?

I wanted to be healthy but hold on – Isn’t mental health and happiness more important than pushing myself to do things I’ve decided is necessary.

Isn’t life supposed to be fun?

Yes I know that physical health is important – But do I need to push myself so hard to achieve these things?

I know that the health industry is telling me I should.

But I know how it goes. I push myself for a few months until I can’t do it any longer; like most normal people.

I get burnt out and just can’t do it anymore until a few months later when I start the cycle again.

That’s not healthy.

There must be a middle ground.

Just because I CAN push myself doesn’t mean I SHOULD.

I’ve decided I’m saying NO to things that don’t serve me long-term, regardless of what society says is good for me.

I’m going to do what makes me happy.

I’m going to take my time with everything – I’m not going to push too hard so that I can get to where I want to be and enjoy the journey.

I want to create good healthy habits long term.

No more pressure.

2018 New Year’s Resolution To End All New Year’s Resolutions

New Year’s Eve are one of the two times in the year I become more aware of time. The other is my birthday.

My birthday was recently in March and May is around the time that everyone loses sight of their New Year’s resolutions so I thought this was the perfect time to bring out this article.

Every year I think about:

– How my year has passed and feel sad about how fast it has gone.
– How my life is progressing and lament about how quickly I’m ageing.
– What’s missing in my life and how time is running out.
– What I need to do to get to my goal and how sad I am that I’m not there already.

Then I go ahead and create New Year’s Resolutions to fix all that sh*t.

I think about what’s most important and usually it’s:

– I need to lose weight
– I need to make more money
– I need to live life more
– I need to save more money
– I need to spend more time living in the moment

All things most people make their goals.

But this year has been different.

I don’t feel the need to do any of these things *next* year.

Why?

Because this year, I finally took steps to live the life I wanted.

Every other year I felt like I was planning to live this life, planning to be on a tropical island with great people.

– Planning to lose weight
– Planning to live life
– Planning to get away
– Planning to make money

Planning, planning, planning…

Because the truth is most of my New Year’s Resolutions don’t last more than 3 months.

The monotony of life gets in the way and I lose sight of all the things I was meant to accomplish until the next New Year (or birthday).

This is the cycle I’ve always lived by.

For the first time ever I feel like I’m living the life I was meant to live.

I’m not postponing anymore and that’s why a new year doesn’t feel like time is running away from me.

I don’t feel sad about getting older…

In fact, getting older makes me feel indifferent which seems significant, especially as a woman. I don’t feel good or bad about it. It just is what it is.

But I can do the best I can with the time I DO have.

This is where I’m meant to be – I’m finding my independence, making mistakes I would never have allowed myself to make before and feeling things I’ve never allowed myself to feel.

I’m becoming more human, more forgiving, more fun, more relaxed and more whole as a person. I’m loving who I am right now and I’m incredibly grateful to the people that have allowed this to occur.

My new year’s resolution is:

Make my life so awesome this year that:

I don’t need a New Year’s Resolution Next Year.
I’m not disappointed at the trajectory of my life every time a new year or birthday comes around.
I can make mistakes, take risks and do the things I need to be doing.

Everything’s else is total bulls#*t. I know it and you know it.

Reasons I Love You (Appreciation For My Boyfriend Damien)

I am told often that I do not need a man, that everything can be done without them.

A man’s role has become obsolete.

Because there are some fundamental issues with that sentiment, I’d prefer to talk about some of the ways a man has shaped me into the woman I am today.

That man is Damien, my partner of over 8 years. This is my ode to a great man and his value in a woman’s life.

Probably the closest thing to a love letter I could ever muster.

Here are all the reasons he showed me who I am:

My Intelligence. Damien took a 20 year old girl and showed her she was intelligent, that she could run a business. He was 6 years older than me and he didn’t need to do that.

My value. Damien showed me how beautiful I was, not just in the way he looked at me but the way he was so proud to call me his girlfriend.

My awareness. Damien allowed me the space to question everything – monogamy, politics, life – everything. When 50:50 wasn’t working, we had the space to come up with a new system. Actually anything could be changed if I needed it.

My stability. Damien became the rock that was consistent. Whenever something went wrong, I could always hide out in his arms and everything would be ok.

My confidence. Damien is always supportive and as much as I like to think that I created the confidence myself, truth be told I get the most confidence from knowing that whatever happens, someone out there loves me. It gives me a springboard with which to not allow insecurity to overtake me.

My humour. Damien is always joking around. I learnt from Damien that fun doesn’t stop when you’re in a relationship. We laugh a lot together and often one-up each other on the most offensive joke.

My growth. He gave me space to grow into a different person without having to do it alone. He allowed me to change, even if it wasn’t in his best interest sometimes.

My femininity. Damien takes care of me sometimes and enjoys it. We make each other feel valued and I love that.

My relationships. He created a bridge for me to have a good relationship with my parents and see some unhealthy dynamics I was creating in my friendships.

My love. He showed me how to love and how to commit. I have always felt loved by him, regardless of whatever what going on. I have never had to worry about his commitment to us.

Whilst it’s true that I do not need Damien to function in society and it’s arguable that I might have gotten these things in other ways but the way I see it, it’s unlikely I would have been intelligent, confident and funny in the same way.

The best parts of me have been nurtured by this man.

And I’m so, so thankful for all of it.

Separate Bedrooms – Is it Smart Or Bad For Relationships?

A house can get very small if you’re living in one bedroom. I learnt this the hard way.

My boyfriend and I have lived together for 7 years. In the last year, we decided to trial separate bedrooms because I suspected he was the reason I was sleeping badly (he rolls around a lot). We initially weren’t too excited about the idea because you know; the affection, cuddling and whatnot before bed was important to us.

We decided to trial it for a month. After 1 week, we could see how awesome separate living situations were and we never looked back.

We started getting better sleep – Neither of us had any idea how we get disrupted by each other during sleep. Waking up tired and not knowing why has a snowball effect

We were able to control temperature – My boyfriend loves having the room icy cold whereas I like it warm and cozy. This was a huge issue for us ongoing until we had separate bedrooms

We longer disrupted each other – My boyfriend wakes up earlier and disrupts my sleep. He also has to tip-toe around me and make sure he’s not making any noise

We now enjoy spending time with each other – When you’re in the same house, you stop appreciating each other’s company because it’s always there. But when you have your own space, you start enjoying hanging out with one another.

We have more alone time – Relationships have a lot of friction because there’s no alone time. If you don’t have your own space, it can be a constant low-level irritation that can create resentment in the relationship.

We still spend time cuddling, hanging out and having sex, it’s just the sleep/work aspect happens separately.

And goodness how big of a difference it has made in our relationship.

Digital Nomad Lifestyle Is Not All It’s Cracked Up To Be

Travelling constantly is actually hard. It doesn’t solve your problems and it will not allow you to run away from your problems for long.

Travelling is amazing for perspective around your issues and gives you a blank slate to deal with them away from your normal surroundings.

Here’s a list of things I’ve struggles with:
1. Lack of stability – I’ve realised that I crave stability, even when I’m travelling. This is why I don’t travel constantly.

2. Sickness – In most popular third-world DN countries, jokes about diarrhoea and dengue etc are commonplace. Being sick regularly makes me crave home and to be taken care of. I miss my Dad a lot at these times.

3. Loneliness – With constantly transient friendships, it’s hard to make real friendships. We can be friends with many people (my friend list on facebook has gone from <200 to >700 since I started travelling. It’s great that we can reconnect with people on the other side of the world but the novelty expires pretty quickly when you realise you still have a handful of friends you really care about.

If you’re new to this, here’s are the ways I’ve been able to deal with it:

1. I allow myself the space to feel the issues, deal with it in a healthy way and change things if they’re not working. After all this is my adventure.

2. Talk about it – DN’s tend to have similar problems and it binds us together.

3. Feel the problems and really deal with it – Being away from home allows us the space to learn new things without old habits/people getting in the way.

4. Create your own adventure – Don’t feel bad about wanting to go home or realising you don’t want to travel constantly. This whole adventure is yours and you create whatever makes you happy.

5. Go home – This is an option digital nomads don’t like to consider. It feels like giving up. But sometimes you need to go travelling to really appreciate what you have at home. I have really come to appreciate the stability of being home.

To the point where I’m considering being at home for the next few months.

Take care of yourself. Screw holding onto what you thought you want before you started travelling.

Allow yourself the freedom to change your mind.

Before I travelled, I thought of myself as being some whose home was ‘the world’. Nowadays, I realise my home is where I find stability.

Cultural Appropriation – I’m An Immigrant And Even I’m Confused By It

I’m an immigrant and I must say I don’t understand cultural appropriation.

To be clear, here’s what I think it means:

Cultural appropriation is when western people wear or behave like another culture.

I see this come up when:

– People wear braids/dreadlocks to appropriate black culture.
– People wear bindis and bangles etc to appropriate indian culture.
– People wear headdresses to appropriate American native culture.

The popular sentiment today is that it’s not right as it’s ‘culturally insensitive’.

I think that’s bulls%#t.

I was 8 years old when I came to Australia from Fiji. Growing up in a predominant Indian culture, I would have loved to have seen Australians wear bindis, bangles and whatnot because I would instantly have felt some connection. It was scary back then, having to learn a new culture and suddenly being alone without any friends, especially in a new school.

Of course there are racist people who paint their faces black or adorn headdresses so what we do in modern society is we call every cultural appropriation ‘insensitive’.

But I believe that most westerners wearing and behaving like another culture are the type of people who are very accepting.

I’ve never met a racist person wearing braids or dancing to Bollywood songs.

These people generally want to be free to appreciate and get involved in other cultures by including it as part of their personal identity.

I think that’s the best compliment to one’s culture don’t you think?

By doing that, we stop making people from other cultures feel that their traditions and valued are accepted and celebrated.

If that’s not accepting of different cultures, then I don’t know what is.

I say wear whatever you like, appropriate away and allow people to feel that their culture is accepted in western society.

Screw what other people think. By looking to other cultures to find what we like, we can also stop giving so much control to the fashion industrialists who create trends to divide not only cultures but the rich & poor, the young & old, the cool & uncool – the list goes on.

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