So he’s leaving tomorrow most likely.
My heart feels like it’s expanding with the sheer amount of love for him.
Yet my body is anticipating heartache at not touching him or getting the jolt of love whenever I want for two whole months.
Or rather, being able to.
Since he’s decided to leave, we’ve spent so much time lying in bed canoodling, or hanging together constantly, both of us trying to mentally capture each moment for when we feel alone and unloved.
All things we don’t really do often when we live together and life is normal.
Funny how there’s so much beauty in being able to take things for granted.
And what about this long distance relationship thing?
I mean how much can we say to each other on a daily basis via a phone call until it’s monotonous and forced?
Most of our day-to-day connections normally are situation-based. Funny things that happen, interesting quips about life, people we meet or things we learn.
Sure some of these things can still happen but not organically.
We’ll have to pack all the interesting we can in the few minutes we may speak daily.
I may have to keep a list of things to say.
Regardless, I’m not worried that this won’t work.
We’ve been together too long and worked too hard for a little time apart to break us.
He feels the same.
But it’s not out of the question to worry.
We’ve done this before and it’s gone badly.
- I went to Bali for a month 3 years ago and decided this relationship wasn’t working so I left for 6 months.
- I went to Vipassana mediation 5 years ago wondering whether this relationship is right for me.
- I went to Thailand 6 years ago and wanted an open relationship.
I’m sure there are other examples.
And yes, I was mostly the problem.
After Bali, I realised Damien spent our entire relationship trying to hold on to me and I spent it trying to run away.
I needed to start creating trust in my relationship.
I’ve always had one foot out of the relationship, ready to have it end.
I needed to fully commit.
I feel like once I chose to come back to the relationship after Bali, I’ve spent the last 2.5 years working on that.
- I stopped making ‘my other boyfriend’ jokes
- I respected his insecurities
- I started communicating my insecurities instead of shutting it out straight away because it was stupid
- I stopped having other options – people that may make me feel better if this relationship ended
I’m sure there were other things.
Slowly over time, Damien communicated that he trusted me.
And Damien going away for 2 months is a test for us.
To see if things are really different.
We’ve worked so hard on us.
And it’s clear that neither of us are worried.
But you never know the strength of a relationship until it’s tested.
You can trust easily when the other person’s in front of you at all times.
But to be able to trust fully when two people are in different countries – well that’s something.
Damien’s made it clear he doesn’t want to hold on tightly to me any longer.
I don’t want him to.
And he’s proven that by getting fully on board with our plan that he goes back to Sydney, finds a place for us to settle – a home, and I’ll stay in Thailand getting my shit together to join him in March.
Had he been holding on, he might have tried to talk me me into coming with him.
This makes me feel like all my hard work means something.
And this understanding of my needs enough to create a lot of space makes me fall in love with him all over again.
Turns out I never needed to get away from him. I needed us to be our own people and look after our own needs.
After all, our personal needs are so similar – we want each other in our lives. Everything else is negotiable.
I’m excited to see how these 2 months go.
I suspect it will go quicker than I anticipate.
Regardless, did I mention I love him so much right now I could burst…
That is all.