And he left today.

And I’m left with a mixture of optimism and sadness.

Right up from the moment I pushed my nose on the glass, looking on as he went through customs until now as I lay in my bed alone in this huge empty apartment.

Yes I know, I feel like I’ve been through these feelings already.

Friends have reached out.

I spent my evening watching a movie with two as a third wheel.

And as I’m explaining in person all the reasons Damien wanted to leave, I realise I find it difficult to actually open up about how I feel.

I tend to talk about the outcome from all my feelings.

I feel like this is a good thing, he can spend his time making the life he wants and I can do the same, yada yada…

But I realise I don’t know how to look to a friend for emotional guidance.

As I was processing these feelings, I didn’t reach out to a friend.

I realise I don’t know how to.

And it’s not like I don’t have friends who wouldn’t be happy to hear about my struggles and help me guide them.

How to accept love?

But it would be like me learning a whole new language.

When I have an issue with something, I think about it.

I let it sit inside until I find perspective.

This may mean sitting with the feelings of anger, sadness, loneliness etc.

Then when I understand the situation, I will try to communicate what I need.

But never do I look for input from my friends, or anyone really.

Why is that?

I have intelligent, self aware people around me.

Is there something wrong with me that I don’t do that?

Maybe it’s because I would hate for my friends to get the wrong idea of someone (i.e. my boyfriend) if I’m in an emotional state and want to unleash.

Maybe it’s a way that I test my friendships. As I’m thinking now, the people closest to me are those that have shown up when I’m down, even if I would never ask or expect that.

Even if it’s just with a bottle of cheap rum.

After all, it’s those people that I bend over backwards to be there for.

Maybe it’s because I don’t know how to ask for help. It took a long time for me to accept help from Damien and I can’t think of many people in my life I accept help from.

And even if help was around, It would be so weird to me that I don’t even know how to appreciate it. It even feels like an insult to some degree – like what? You think I can’t take care of myself?

Gosh this whole situation has bought to light my struggles with accepting.

To change this pattern is why I went to a movie tonight, instead of hole-ing up in the house.

I’m hoping it’s a first step to creating more awareness around this and if I can be more vulnerable with friends, I hope to create healthier friendships where my friends can feel like they can be there for me.

I can’t express enough how weird this whole idea is to me – I’ve always been the friend who listens and gives advice, never the one to take.

I’m thinking changing this might be good for me.

We’ll see.