You know, I’m having a hard time understanding the direction this Aziz Ansari #metoo movement is heading towards.
Not because I don’t fundamentally get what it’s about as a woman.
But because I feel like where it’s heading is confusing…
So it started with women accusing men in power for abusing it.
This was great.
I remember discussing it with my boyfriend Damien that it’s awesome – that it’s long overdue.
That this needs to be talked about.
That in order for change in how men and women interact sexually, there needs to be understanding.
And that started happening.
Countless articles on how women feel with men in power positions.
Some men’s careers got ruined.
Collateral damage, I suppose.
I was on board.
I think a lot of guys were on board too – understanding the wrongness of abusing power.
Then something weird happened.
Aziz Ansari was called out for pushing a woman’s boundaries sexually.
And his career got ruined.
How did we allow this Aziz Ansari #metoo movement to happen?
Don’t get me wrong – I totally get what it means to be around a pushy guy.
And how traumatic it can be – even for someone like me who has no problem saying no.
It’s a weird situation – we ladies generally consent to ‘see what happens’.
Victim blaming is wrong in this instance too – She went back to his apartment. Why?
Because sex was always on the table.
Because she took a risk.
Trauma often happens when we take a risk, and it doesn’t work out.
She consented to see where it goes – she never consented to a bad experience.
And women know all too well – bad experiences are common.
But we’re hopeful.
And that’s what screws with us.
This girl went back to Aziz’s apartment hopeful.
That it would be a great experience.
That she will feel desired.
Even feel an emotional connection.
Especially since he’s a celebrity, I’m sure she felt an emotional connection to him already.
And wanted it reciprocated.
And it didn’t work out.
She probably felt none of the things she really wanted to feel.
And to top it off, Aziz tried to force a scenario she wasn’t comfortable with.
I get why she feels this way.
I have felt this way.
A lot of women have felt this way.
This part is not confusing.
The conversation needs to happen.
And it’s happening.
But I feel like a lot of Aziz hate right now are about women transferring feelings of resentment onto him.
And to me that feels unfair.
Hear me out.
What Aziz did is a common experience for a lot of women.
So surely he can’t be a monster.
Unless you wanna call most men monsters.
Which I certainly don’t.
I think Aziz was horny. And wanted to get laid.
Again, common experience for most men.
And what he did was try to make that happen.
Common experience for humans isn’t it? – to want something and try to make it happen?
Can’t hate him for that.
So he kept pushing boundaries, hoping this girl will change her mind.
Something she absolutely wasn’t into – fair enough, but I know a lot of girls who change their mind and wish men would push boundaries more often.
I bet a lot of times this has worked for Aziz.
And maybe it was still a bad experience for other ladies too.
Maybe it was great – who knows?
But Aziz has a right to try to get his needs met.
All men have a right to try to get their needs met.
Us women rely on them to try if we’re honest with ourselves.
Otherwise how could we have great sexual experiences?
If the tables were turned, I certainly know I would be upset if I was turned on and couldn’t have what I wanted.
Imagine the frustration.
Regardless, what’s confusing me right now is that we’re allowing Aziz’s career assassination instead of have the conversation everyone should really be having.
Which is ‘How can both parties – women AND men – get both our needs met?’.
The current system of sex-getting is not working.
It’s confusing for both parties.
And by not having this conversation, we’re losing a lot of men in the conversation who went from supporting the change to suddenly defending their positions.
To worrying about what may come out about themselves.
And that doesn’t create change.
Not healthy change anyway.
I don’t think casual sex works for women.
The character Samantha from Sex and the City and countless other movies & pop culture references have written sexual cheques on behalf of women that we cannot deliver.
It doesn’t work.
Not in a healthy way.
Because women are ovens who are looking for emotional connection, desire and safety in order to get turned on.
And men have not gotten the memo.
Because women try to behave like men, until we have experience that makes us realise this doesn’t work.
Because women are going back to their apartments to try to get this need met.
And men don’t know this.
I’m guilty of this – most women are.
I don’t want to be in a situation where I have to forcefully say ‘No!’ to someone.
I don’t like being in a position where I feel unsafe or coerced into sex.
I have felt all these things before – which is why I have learnt to get my needs met before putting myself in awkward positions.
Yes in an ideal world, men would understand non-verbal cues and I would feel comfortable all the time.
But men are not wired this way – they physically cannot understand this as well as women.
And men also have experiences that contradict one woman’s experience.
Because women change their mind – creating even more chaos and confusion around rules for men.
Because of this, I would love the conversation to stay on course and head into the direction of respect from both sides.
Because once men stop listening, the conversation dies.
Which forces women to start forcing changes, which then creates resentment in men.
I don’t think this is right.