So how does this work?
As I’m getting older, I’m starting to become more confused about what my best-case scenario is.
As a woman that is.
Ok so I find the love of my life and settle down with them.
Maybe bang out a couple of kids.
Cool, so now I have a family that cares about me.
Good so far.
But then over time, who am I?
My physical attractiveness will start to decline.
I’ll no longer feel sexy.
Over time, my partner will probably love me to bits but won’t find me physically ideal.
And I’ll be aware enough to be able to know that, even though he might never tell me.
He’s wired to find young women attractive.
So what am I supposed to do then?
Distract myself with the kids so I don’t have to face the truth?
Or accept that my value will change?
That my main qualities will go from beautiful woman to other wholesome things like mother, career woman or (yelp) great personality.
Or should I just cling to my youth desperately and hope I can hold on long enough for my self esteem to remain intact?
Look, I’m not blind to my privilege.
I know some of my self esteem is tied to my looks.
I know I got lucky to be considered attractive.
I also haven’t been delusional enough to think this would be enough to get by forever.
So I’ve worked on other parts of me – intelligence, humour and all that.
I’m not saying that I don’t have value outside of being attractive.
I’m also not saying that I won’t be able to survive without looks.
What I’m saying is – give me a minute to adjust to this idea.
I’m going to get less attractive physically.
And my partner will probably become more attractive – looks-wise, financially and otherwise.
So I’ll decline physically…
And he’ll be in his prime.
And as I get old I will just have to accept that.
I’ll have to try harder to bring out my other qualities.
I’m not worried that I won’t be awesome anyway.
I’m just feeling sorry for myself in this moment.
And don’t I have a right to do that?
I want to be like a great aged wine.
Not a spoiled grape rotting in the sun.
And I need to accept that my gender has no predisposition for the better outcome.
So as my body will slowly change.
And I see the end of my twenties staring me in the eye…
I want to pay tribute to all the women who have weathered these changes and come out still being beautiful and sexual beings.
It takes strength I don’t know I have.
I’ll find out for sure.
But I see a lot of women who come out desexualised.
Like they have no right to be sexy anymore.
And I see a spark go out.
I hope this doesn’t happen to me.
But I wanted to write this down now.
Before I got older.
And before I became unattractive.
So I couldn’t be accused of being ugly and bitter.
Because I want to go into my future with eyes wide open.
Because life can be unfair, no matter how hard I try.
And maybe that’s ok – maybe not.