I’ve realised the whole issue isn’t as complicated as we make it out to be.
I used to be someone who was very 50:50 on dates because as an independent woman, of course that’s what should happen.
If I couldn’t afford a date, I wouldn’t go. I was repulsed at the idea that a guy would pay for me and then I’d be obligated to ‘covert contracts’ I never agreed to like:
I have to hang out with him again
Or I should kiss/sleep/other with him
Or I have to spend one more minute than I want to
But this created some problems:
- Stress around billing time – “I insist”, “No, I insist”. Ard Nauseum.
- Awkwardness afterwards.
- He never got to feel chivalrous. Or generous. Or showcase that he could take care of me.
- I never got to feel take care of. Or feminine.
So here’s the solution I came up with:
- Always go on a date ready to pay (even if he says ‘my treat’ or ‘my shout’).
- If you can’t afford the date, try to go somewhere cheaper.
- At the end of the date, always offer to pay without resentment or issue.
- If he insists, allow it. Feel great about it.
- Take note of the expense and insist on paying next time.
I know that there are women that insist on men paying for them. These are not women that want ‘free meals’ generally but women that want to feel like the guy they date is willing to take care of them in that way (like their daddy used to?).
Fair enough, they get to have whatever they want granted that they also make effort to showcase that they’re not there for the free meal.
- They cook meals
- Or buy thoughtful gifts
- Or care for the man emotionally/spiritually/sexually
Both styles are feminist in my opinion if done in this way. Men are generally also aware that they make more money than women so untimate fairness is never about dollar for dollar.
It’s about needs that both parties need to fulfil.
- Only pay for dates if you actually want to be generous and show that you can take care of a woman.
- Do not expect more dates/sexual favours etc in return for the dinner. You will be disappointed.
- If you don’t want to pay, it’s totally cool. Just say, ‘Do you mind if we split this?’.
- If you want to pay but she insists on wanting to pay half, allow it. She wants to show you she can take care of herself also.
Be aware if it’s really fair.
Often on dates the man will say something like, “I’ll take care of dinner, you can get the drinks” – or some kind of equal arrangement. This is often a great way to avoid any conversation about the bill which is always awesome.
I’m a huge fan of this except when this happens:
The dinner costs $20 and the drinks cost $50.
This is terrible and I’ve heard many stories where the woman feels scammed and there’s no socially acceptable way to discuss the issue at the time.
This is often a deal breaker because all women want to partner up with someone that has awareness of these things and will take care of her without needing to be told.
a lot of modern women are trying to find equality in dating (with their own needs in mind) and to have men take advantage of them makes us wonder why we try so bloody hard.
This is just the worst.
Probably the same terribleness as a man feels when a woman’s just out for a free meal.
Which brings me to my last points:
- Pay for your own meal if you have no intention of seeing the other person again.
- And don’t create an issue if the total amount is super small.
There’s no need to create more resentful behaviour in the dating world.