There’s so much I want to do with my life.

But I’m insecure…

I’ve been trying to find my feet.

It’s been 9 years since I left law school.

And in that time, I’ve accomplished a bunch of things.

Maybe more than most.

Maybe not..

I can’t measure where I’m at in my life.

Am I on the right track?

Had I done the traditional thing, I would know where I am right now.

Had I finished law school, started working at Gaden’s law firm as a solicitor, bought a house, gotten into investments, maybe marriage and kids…

I would know how successful I am and how many more levels there are to go.

Like a video game.

But alas, the white picket fence life was never for me

I always did things differently to most people

But in that pursuit, there’s no way to measure

How am I doing?

Many people might ready this and say, ‘Better than me…’.

But what does that even mean?

Is that really true or does everyone feel like their life isn’t good enough?

I remember when my boyfriend Damien and I were starting a dating education company, he said ‘My biggest goal is to make 10K a month’.

At 10K a month, he could buy himself a Breitling watch.

That was his Big Hairy Audacious Goal.

He couldn’t imagine making that kind of money.

We both worked our asses off and within the three months, we started making profit.

The company grew quickly.

And do you know what we did when we reached 10K?

No idea. The milestone came and went. No celebrations, no fanfare – nothing.

I can’t even remember what we were doing.

Pretty soon, a 10K month was nothing exciting to write home about.

It was on to bigger, even better goals.

I sometimes wish we hadn’t been so successful so quickly.

The beginner’s luck we experienced meant that when we plateaued, having little idea of what was really working.

We had no way to measure or scale the business in ways we could control.

So we threw a lot of money at the wall.

And some months we struggled.

Other months we did amazing.

Everyone saw the Mercedes and the million dollar apartment.

Which I’m not complaining about.

It doesn’t happen to the average person, I understand.

But goodness, had we been anywhere near as smart as we are now, we would have invested most of the money we made.

Instead we enjoyed all of it.

Which in our 20s, I can’t knock too much.

We were young, we worked hard. What’s the point otherwise?

And in between enjoying life, our relationship also struggled.

A couple of years after starting the business, Damien and I fought – a lot.

I couldn’t handle it anymore, I sold the business to him.

I was still around helping if he needed it but I was burnt out.

I was more unhappy than I’ve ever been in my life.

Then came failed businesses.

A handful.

None of which had the instant success my first business had obviously.

I hadn’t learnt about patience.

I spent the next few years failing, and hating myself.

Then came a turning point when I realised I needed to be more vulnerable.

  • I needed to be patient.
  • I created this blog.
  • I started writing for myself.
  • I started talking openly about who I am.
  • I started asking for help.

For the first time since leaving, I started getting some control – making some money.

But not enough.

Nowhere near enough.

This year, I want to create 7 different businesses.

This year I have big goals.

This year I’m focused.

I know myself.

I know my limitations.

I understand what went wrong.

I’m Adulting.

I’m taking responsibility for my mistakes.

I’m no longer making excuses.

I’m aware of my shame.

The shame I feel for not being further along than I am.

But that should be ok I suppose.

Even though everyone says ‘Your 20s are for the lessons, your 30s are for the money’.

Even though I know I’m still young and everything I truly want, I will have – history has taught me that.

But alas, my heart feels insecure:

  • Maybe I’m not as knowledgable as I think I am
  • Maybe I won’t amount to anything
  • Maybe I’m not enough

I will often laugh at these feelings and tell myself I’m being silly.

I wonder if these feelings ever go away..

Or are they always there in the back of our minds, taunting us into playing small.

Being small.

Gosh I’m so insecure about where my life is going.

Maybe it’s acknowledging these feelings that make us aware of success and what that means to us.

If I’m successful, my writing will mean something.

Otherwise, it’s just the ramblings of some mad woman talking too much about herself.

And I know that’s ok.

But I’m insecure.