I admit I don’t trust women and feminine energy as long as I can remember.
My tipping point was when I was hurt by my close female friends in high school.
So much so that I seriously contemplated suicide.
It was the only time in my life I ever thought about that.
It was the end of Year 10 – I was 15 years old.
I hung out with a bunch of girls whom I thought I was very close to.
One of my girlfriends Jemima had been in love with a guy for a while.
He made it clear he wasn’t interested in her.
So she got herself a boyfriend – a serious one, according to her.
I became friends with this guy she was in love with by chance.
We’d talk, we connected on a lot of things.
She knew about it.
It wasn’t a big deal.
She kept telling me I could date him if I wanted.
Up until then we were strictly friends because loyalty right?
She had feelings for him so he was off limits.
I wasn’t sure if we even thought of each other as more than friends.
But once the option became available, we became closer.
I suppose he was into me from the beginning.
We met up – we kissed.
I fell for him – hard.
I got on a phone call with another girlfriend – gushing, I told her everything.
I asked her not to tell Jemima because I wanted to tell her in person, just in case she still had feelings.
Because I still wanted to make sure it was okay.
And of course, my other friend tells Jemima.
And she’s pissed.
I didn’t know about this until much later.
At the time, I had bigger problems.
I was having trouble at home.
I decided to leave and move in with my cousin.
A lot of emotions were running through me at the time.
I felt scared of my future.
I felt vulnerable.
I was in love for the first time.
I had just gained independence.
But I was excited to have control of my life.
Until the next day I got a text from this guy I was in love with saying he wanted to cool things off.
I had no idea why or what to make of it.
He didn’t explain. Just that there were a lot of drama that he didn’t want to be a part of.
I didn’t understand.
I got invited shopping with my girlfriends the next day.
I thought, “This is great – I can talk to my friend about what had happened”.
I got there and quickly realised I was in big trouble.
All the girls iced me out.
Passive aggressiveness, snide comments, laughing at me – you name it.
I was so hurt and confused.
Why did they invite me out then?
I remember looking down from the 5th floor of the Parramatta shopping centre and seriously considering the jump to my death.
Would I die or would I just seriously hurt myself?
I stared down to the bottom for what felt like a long time.
Until my cousin found me.
I told him I wanted to get out of there.
I cried to him – a lot during this time.
I’m tearing up right now just thinking about this.
The pain was immense.
I felt abandoned.
I felt alone.
I felt a hole in my heart.
Why did they treat me like that?
Even if Jemima hadn’t told them the full story about basically asking me to date him, I couldn’t understand.
How could they not ask me my side of the story before doing something like that?
Did our years of friendship mean nothing?
The girls closest to me hurt me the most.
I can still remember their facial expressions.
I had never really had a great relationship with women in my life to begin with.
My mum and I only recently got closer.
So after this incident, I was clear I don’t trust women.
With my life.
With my heart.
I was hurt.
So I spent a lot of time around masculine energy.
I learnt men tend to tell you what they think.
There’s no body language cues I need to be aware of.
I can relax around guys and not have to think so hard.
Over the years I became jaded and intolerant of women’s issues.
The problems that shouldn’t be happening.
I would internally roll my eyes at some of the stories I would hear.
Not in any obvious way.
I still had female friends.
But I could never fully open up to them like I could with the guys.
This was the norm for me.
Until something shocking happened…
I learnt there was a little girl inside me that wanted to be feminine.
She wanted to play.
She didn’t want to be logical, intelligent and together.
I had to let her out.
And what came with this was the drama, the indecisiveness and the self destruction.
What I learnt was that this incident that happened when I was 15yo caused my to deprive myself of everything that was amazing about me.
Everything that made me a woman.
Since them it’s been a learning experience.
These days I’ve learnt to LOVE hanging out with girls.
I crave the energy.
I spend less time at entrepreneur events and coworking spaces around masculine energy.
I love hanging out with my girlfriends whom brings out the girly teenage energy.
I love hanging out with my girlfriends that bring out the raw, womanly energy.
I love it all – even navigating through the body language and unsaid words.
It’s so hard to communicate how beautiful the women in my life are.
I love everything about them.
The allow me the freedom of finding my own energy.
They give me stomach stitching laughter.
To appreciate the beauty in the hot mess.
To not need to be logical all the time.
To have feelings that need to be expressed, good or bad.
Thank you for all of it.
I would never have been complete without this.